Without sounding dark and mopey I confess that during peak periods of celebration, I tend to get bouts of sadness on and off. When the kids are opening presents or when we’re singing carols at church or sometimes when the kids have just gone to bed, I open the door to some ‘what ifs’. What if she was here? What would our lives be like now? What would she look like at this age? Etc.
I lost a little baby girl just beyond 40 weeks pregnant. She was born on our daughters 3rd birthday, weighing 9’10 and looking just like her big sister, only she wasn’t breathing. We found out during labour that she no longer had a heartbeat, and while it was an awful shock, God drew so close to us. During the labour I felt that I heard God speak. Not with my ears…but in a way where words just flowed through my whole body. I heard “I am the Lord your God! Do not be afraid! I will give you strength and I will deliver you!”. Sounds crazy huh? But its true.
In the coming weeks that followed we were given an overwhelming peace. There were times when we were given so much peace, comfort and even joy, that the world and the heartache just passed us by. Then again, there were and are some days which are harder than others, and some things that we were once content to put aside, which we began to struggle with.
Sometimes it feels like weeks or months or years after a loss, the world has moved on, as they should. Yet personal pain is still so very real and close to my heart. I know the realities and practicalities of being a mother and wife, and I realise that daily responsibilities don’t cease just because ones heart is hurting. At the same time, it can be so difficult to put on a brave face and carry on as usual, when inside you have feelings that can be quite overwhelming at times.
I have found that one of the keys to overcoming these struggles lies with thankfulness. Im talking about genuinely being thankful. I mean, physically being thankful. Acknowledging God for His blessings in your life that may go by completely unnoticed by some. While I could elaborate on some of this, I think tonight that I will share some of the more personal and special blessings I have had, as a result of Amber’s death.
Mostly, we know that her eternal salvation is secure. The whole pregnancy I prayed to God that if she would not be saved, that he would take her there and then. Little did I think my prayer would be answered in such a way! But how grateful I am that we don’t have to worry about her soul, we don’t have to worry about the trials and temptations of this world affecting her life. The more Jayde grows and learns about the ways of this world, the more I agonise over her salvation. I realised a while ago that in the Garden of Eden, God wasn’t cursing Eve with pain in the actual childbirth (although this is also a factor). He was saying that the pain of childbearing (ie, raising a child and watching them go their own way, turn away from God) would be agony. What a really remarkable blessing that our little one is in heaven, safely in Our Heavenly Father’s arms; waiting to greet us when our race is run. I am excited for that day.
After she died, I was praying to God about my ache to hold her and the sadness of having an empty crib, an empty car-seat, empty arms. I was given a revelation (not in the sense of the OT prophets) that God pines and aches to hold ALL His children, much more than I will ever ache for Amber. He aches for them to be with Him even more than I ache for her to be here with me. I felt challenged and reminded to help Him get those children into His arms. So once again, my pain was turned into comfort and wonder at the almighty and eternal love that God has for us; and it fuelled my desire to glorify Him by helping his children see the way back into their Fathers arms.
I have had several other similar realisations as I was praying. I went for about 7 months where I never questioned why this happened. I never doubted or questioned Gods plan, but suddenly I wanted to know why. I wanted to know why that way. Why not at 10 weeks? Why not at 20 weeks? Why did He wait? I felt jealous over his parentage of my child. I felt like a single mother who had lost custody of her daughter. And yet again, the response was such a blessing. I realised I had just a small taste of the jealousy with which God guards his children. That if this small taste could make me angry with God, who had been my rock and refuge this entire time, then imagine how possessive and protective God is of all his children. And how great his fury is at the one who would lead them astray. Once again, the challenge was there as a reminder to me of his ache for all his children. It also served as a bitter reminder to continually model myself after Christ. The reality is that God is a far better parent than I will or can ever be….in fact, he is a perfect parent. My feeling of ‘losing’ her, was replaced by a thankfulness of knowing where she was, and who was ‘raising’ her….I found joy in knowing she would have the absolute best.
As I look through hundreds of photos of our other children, I regret not taking more photos of Amber. The only photos we have of her are polaroids from the hospital staff. When she was born she had some maceration on one of her cheeks. When the hospital staff took some quick pictures of her, they took them from an angle which shows prominently the side of the maceration. This has actually been a blessing from God, as each time I look at these pictures it reminds me to turn the other cheek.
I could literally fill pages upon pages with the blessings we have had but I will share this with you because it also really touched my heart. A year after her death, I was wondering if anyone would remember her. I had friends even comment that ‘we didn’t really know her’ and ‘it wasn’t like she was a 2 year old’ etc. Even just a couple of days after she was born the hospital called us and said ‘you left so fast we forgot to do baby’s hearing check, so if you can bring her back in it will only take 10 minutes and then you can go’. Even there, at the hospital, it seemed like they had forgotten her! A year later I knew that people had moved on, that’s what people do, there are new tragedies and new events which occupy their lives and time. But in my life, she was still real, she was still important, she was not forgotten. I began to crave some recognition of her life, and I thought it was a selfish thing to pray about. But as I prayed I realised that this was yet another opportunity that God used to give me just a small taste of the desire that he has for people to remember his dead son. It can be so tricky answering questions sometimes. Just last week I met an old friend who said ‘don’t you have three now? Where’s your other one?’. Those kinds of questions always seem confronting, even though they are well intentioned. Other kinds of questions don’t have such straightforward answers. “How many children do you have?”. What to say? Do I acknowledge her verbally, or just think of her. Do I say something and have someone think Im a wacko, or will they respond with empathy? All in all, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how exactly I should acknowledge her. How exactly I will explain her life in a way that is glorifying to God. How I can talk about her without alienating people. These are all skills that I need to be a good witness for Christ. To explain his life, his death, and Gods ache for people to remember those things and ultimately, His love for us.
So you see, we have managed to find some precious jewels among the thorns. One major thing that has changed for me has been my thankfulness. I realised that sometimes you have to make a choice to be thankful, and that by being thankful, you will have more joy than you can measure. While pregnant with Levi, I made a decision to give thanks verbally throughout my day, for all the little things God was doing for me. A green light, a red light, a parking space, a sunny day, a rainy day, my favourite coloured garbage bags being in stock. Yup, all the most simplistic, some may say stupid, things to be thankful for. And I actually said it, out loud. The more I did it, the more things I had to be thankful for. I felt Gods provision to the core every day, for every little thing. And it was contagious. Jayde now walks around the house with a song of thanks in her heart and everywhere we go she is thankful for Gods special provisions. How does this relate to others? I’m just illustrating that sometimes, you have to make a choice to do it, before it starts flowing freely. You can choose to see either side of the coin. For example, Amber was born on Jaydes 3rd birthday. Is that a curse or a blessing? We view it as a blessing. Never will that day go past being unnoticed, we will always have a reason to celebrate. Yet others may not make the choice to look at it that way. And there have been times when I have not looked at other things, in a particularly thankful way! But when I have made that choice, it has been a real comfort to me.
I felt prompted to make this post in order that other people dealing with grief or helping others deal with grief, might be able to empathise a little. As cards stop coming, and people stop asking, and your heart keeps aching….it can feel like things are becoming more difficult. I tend to bottle up my feelings and end up succumbing to anxiety attacks or go down the unhealthy ‘what if’ line of thinking. I still haven’t conquered this. But for anyone dealing with grief or supporting those dealing with grief
- Don’t bottle up your feelings. Talk about it with someone. Pray to the one who knows you best. Keep a journal of your thoughts if it seems to help.
- Its okay to be sad. I learned that joy is different to happiness. I had physical peace and JOY at our situation, although I wasn’t happy about it. The same is true of sadness. Being sad, is different to despairing. Many Christians seem to just tell you not to worry, or even make you feel guilty for being sad…but Jesus himself wept.
- Be honest with God and stay close to Him.
- Spend time in the Word. I began memorising Psalms, also NT books such as Matthew. This really helped me a lot.
- Accept help from people if you need it…and ask for help if no one offers. Most people really don’t know what to say or do when someone dies. Our western society is so far removed from death, that it has become a scary, awkward thing to discuss. Most people want to help you, but just don’t know what to do or say.
- Be realistic. Grieving takes time…don’t expect to have a timeline of ‘the day you will wake up and everything will be fine again’. But know that realistically this has changed your life and it will take some time before life begins to function at the rate of normalcy that you had before.
- Remember important dates. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, date of death. Be aware that these times may be tricky to negotiate and prepare yourself. For friends supporting others dealing with grief, let them know that you recognise it might be a difficult time, and that you are there for them.
- Try not to go down the ‘what ifs’ of the event if it makes you anxious. And try not to go down the ‘what ifs’ of tomorrow. I found that I can actually cope okay with the loss of a baby. I recognise that hundreds of women around the world go through the same thing each day, I cant imagine the grief of those who dont know God! But it’s the shock of what happened that ‘gets’ me. I was overdue, in labour, had a healthy ultrasound just 3 days before….I never would have thought that morning about what was going to happen. And so it can be tempting to wonder or worry about what will happen tomorrow. But I can assure you that this only leads to anxiety of the worst kind.
- Remember that God knows you and LOVES you. He didn’t create us to die. We live in a fallen world where death exists, not because God put it there, but because he gave us a choice. When God created us, He didn’t create us because he wanted toys or because he needed people to love him to feel good about himself. He created us out of His love. And part of that was giving us a choice. He could easily have made us in a way which made loving him a compulsory bodily function. But instead, He gave us a choice, that we might choose Him and know real love and have a genuine relationship with Him. Initially it was mans choice to turn away from God, that brought death into the world. And it is through Gods love for us, that he created a way for us to be reconciled with Him and have everlasting life. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life’ (John 3:16).
FOR GOD- the origin of the gospel. The initiative to save mankind begins with God (not us).
SO LOVED- God was ‘externally blessed’. He was there before the earth. He didn’t need anything else to affirm or complete His happiness.
THE WORLD- The object of the gospel. God loves ALL people. Every one.
THAT HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON- The plan of the gospel. God was the only one who had the resources to satisfy the law of God- which we have broken. We had nothing to give to pay this price. We cannot contribute to this payment by going to church, giving alms or other deeds.
THAT WHOEVER- The extent of the gospel. If we think that God could not forgive us, then we demean the size of His gift. If we think that God would not forgive us, then we demean the quality of His love.
BELIEVES IN HIM- The condition of the gospel- Acceptance of the facts of Jesus- he was the son of God, was sinless, died for our sin, was raised from the dead, lives in Heaven. Believing is –having accepted the facts and giving our lives to God. There is no alternative but God/Jesus. We don’t believe in our belief, but we believe in Him.
SHOULD NOT PERISH BUT HAVE EVERLASTING LIFE- The purpose of the gospel. There are only 2 ways…the narrow way & the broad way…life or death.
This rundown was presented to me by (Pastor) Earle McKay. While one of the most ‘popular’ or well known verses in the bible, how often do we stop and actually think about its full message?
Well this post seems to be veering all over the place. But I feel much more joyful than when I started typing. Much happier even. If you made it this far, thank you for sharing in my grief and thankfulness tonight.
Matthew’s Conversion
18 hours ago
