Levi was in hospital yesterday. He came up to me quite aggro, waving tissues and rubbing his nose. After looking up his nose, I saw...a hole. A normal shadowy dark nostril hole. I rolled my eyes, thinking about what a whinger he is becoming. No temperature, no cough, no runny nose....youre fine, go play. Is there an award for worst mother of the year? 10 minutes later this behaviour is continuing so I tip him back closer to the light and there it is. A big green bead wedged riiiight up there. How could I have not seen this before? So down to the doctor we went...it came out quite easily given that my attempts at home with massage & tweezers didnt help at all. But I hate going to the hospital...it reminds me of Amber in all the worst ways.
And aside from this blip, I have been feeling pretty productive lately. We are at a really busy time in our lives right now. And rather than let the cooking & cleaning & 'stuff' get neglected while I focus on studies & other committments, I've held onto the reigns. I made it to bible study and my soccer game...I cooked, cleaned, shopped...and somehow everyones sheets got washed and the fridge got defrosted. And my particularly difficult university assignment due today also got handed in. Nice. Another one due in 10 days time. Im tired, but happy.
But today I had a moment. A moment I havent let myself have for a while now. I saw one of my camera-buddies today who has a one week old girl. I fired off a couple of shots for fun and all of a sudden I was a mess. Seeing her sweetly sleeping face reminded me so very much of Amber. Of what its like to hold a baby girl and love her so much...and know youre never going to see those eyes open. I know it sounds morbid. I know its been 3 years. I know in my heart I was full of joy for this couple. But I ache. And all I could think of was my empty arms and I had trouble remembering just how full our lives are and how much God has abundantly blessed us. I dont know why this happened to me today, it doesnt happen when I see other babies, but I just felt so down and so selfish for feeling sad, when I have much to be thankful for.
On the way home in the car my ipod decided to play 'sweet child of mine'- my ringtone when I was pregnant with Amber. So I hit skip and then 'wake me up when september ends' came on- the song that played over and over during the worst September of my life. And I had a bit of a cry, hoping the kids wouldnt notice. And when I came home Levi pulled my knitting off the needles. And Jayde spilled glue all over her brother and the carpet. And I sent them to the bedroom to get changed and play so I could cook dinner in peace. And when Jack came home from work he called me 'sweet baby' and gave me a kiss before walking in to see the kids. He was met with this....
The outfit Jayde dressed her brother in. Crocodile gumboots. Too small tracky dacks. Her own underpants over the top of said tracky dacks. A spider t-shirt. A broken zorro-style mask. And his glue-covered shirt tied nicely around his head. How do you not smile at that?
I figure God is trying to tell me something, tugging at my heart all day. And when it takes your son in girls underpants to acknowledge your blessings, its probably time to stop and listen. And I open up to this exact spot "Dont worry about anything; instead, pray about everything...His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in christ Jesus'. (Phil. 4:6-7). And as I talk to the Lord I am given a real peace, a peace that will send me to bed with a smile on my face and a joy in my heart. A peace that reminded me of God's only begotten son, who died to cover my sin. Of His empty arms as millions of people go about their lives never to open their eyes to the Truth, the Way & the Life. Of my thankfulness to be in His arms.
And although I dont suppose tomorrow will be any less busy, Im looking forward to the day. To know that no matter what is waiting around the corner or how I might feel about it, God is here. He is so faithful. And I dont post this because I think anyone will find it particularly interesting or useful or entertaining, but I hope it encourages even just one. I'd love to hear some stories of Gods faithfulness in your lives this week, if you care to share.
2 comments:
oh thank you Karina for sharing with us.
First off,
I'm so sorry,
I am,
and no,
I don't think you sound selfish, my heart aches for you and you've overcome something that seems impossible without God.
I have so many little things and big things to share on how God is faithful and how clear it is when you're going through hard times.
God has shown His faithfulness this week to us by even though Chad has been laid off for months, Chad somehow gets to work at least a couple of days a week, just enough to keep us above water and to keep our health insurance! Also, not even our needs He meets, but He meets so many of our wants!
~~~~~Not to mention my basil!~~~~~
God is good in allowing us to find peace in the hard times isn't He?!
I'll keep you in my prayers.
I am so glad you can come and share your heart here. I cannot know exactly what it would be like to loose a child.... But I do think your feelings are probably very realistic.
I am praying for you....
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